Wednesday 7 October 2015

A Journey of Healing Through Writing


My journey until now:
     I was born Tina Bethana, to Edith and Jim Gouchie on July 26th, 1973. I have often wondered if on that day my story was already written and my fate in life chosen, or if the future and my destiny were mysteries to be unfolded and newly written as each day passed. Either way, life has taught me to have no regrets, and to hold no grudges. What happens in life happens for a reason, and our unique experiences greatly influence who we are, and who we will become. The trials and lessons we experience in life, teach us the keys to the ways of our world.
     I see my life thus far as split into three defining parts, each as significant and life altering as the next. The first ten years belonged to Tina, a scared and lost little girl who had lost hope that life could ever truly be good. My life was full of abuse and chaos in those years, and although I know I experienced happiness and fun at times as a child, the memories that stuck with me the most were the traumatic ones. Those first years of a child's life are the most influential in how we see the world, and especially how we see ourselves. My childhood was not the greatest way to start.
     At ten years of age, I was reborn Kristina Bethana Grevatt, when two amazing people, Ty and Gerrie Grevatt, decided they wanted to give a lost soul a chance, and they adopted me. After my adoption, my life was filled with love, trust, safety, and security. Finally having these things in my life gave me hope, a sense that maybe life could actually be good, and I grew into a seemingly bright and fun-loving teenager and young adult. However, the scars left in me from the trauma I suffered as a child, stayed, many of them re-opening at certain times in my life due to circumstances that triggered their painful re-occurrence.
     The third part of my life began on a day in September, 1999, when I had a complete emotional breakdown due to an abusive relationship, where I realized I had to open my eyes and see the effects my abusive past had on me. If not, I would be destined to continue the cycle of abuse I had grown up with as a child. This was the day I chose to take on the long and arduous journey of healing my soul.
     My journey of healing has not been easy, and there have been many internal and external obstacles I've had to overcome over the years. Although I have come a very long way since that day in 1999, I know I still have many issues to work through. What I have come to learn in this process so far, is that healing from trauma and abuse is a life long journey.
     One of the most effective healing methods I have learned over the years has been to write. Journals have been a way for me to express things I need to express, and to begin to sort through and release the pain and hurt associated with those things. Probably the most difficult obstacle I had to overcome, made clear in many of my journal entries, was getting in touch with my inner child.

     Journal entry, September 21, 2000: Dear Tina. I don't really know how to start! I've only recently begun to recognize that you even exist. Or maybe I knew you were there, but I refused to acknowledge you. By doing that I'd have to face the pain you felt, and, as I'm beginning to see now, must still be feeling. However, although now I know you're there, a part of me, I'm finding it very difficult to reach you. I've pushed you down for so long, and built up so much other crap on top of you, it's like you're lost to me. I think you scare me too! You have too much potential to make me feel things I've tried so hard to keep from feeling all of my life! Maybe you are very reachable to me, but because of the feelings you hold, I can't bring myself to truly look at you, to see what and who you really are, and what you feel. I've been trying to convince myself that reaching you is what I need to do. This is what can help my healing process, and maybe make me feel more whole, or better yet, just feel what I am really feeling. This may be true, but what happens to me when you open up and share what happened to you? I know the story line, but when it comes to the feelings; the pain, the anger, the confusion, you hold the cards. I don't know if I can play that hand again! But I also know that you are getting tired of keeping all this in, and of being locked away, and unless we can find each other and make our burdens a little easier to bear by sharing them, you may just go crazy someday. You're too little to carry this pain around for so long, and it's not fair that you should have had to. Every day, I feel stronger, and hopefully soon, I will be able to reach down, pick you up, and hold you, and I will never let you go! And then we can share everything, not just the pain and the hurt, but the love and joy and happiness too. It will be like being a whole person. Imagine that!

     The greatest exercise in healing through writing, and connecting with that little girl inside of me, came in the fall of 2003, when I decided to write my story, a memoir of what I remembered of my childhood, how it affected my life, and the healing work I had done up to that point. I had always talked very openly about my past experiences, although I shared those stories from more of an intellectual perspective, being so disconnected from the emotional side of what happened to me. Writing my story at that point in my healing opened up the door for me to tell it in a different way than I had ever told it before. This time, I actually felt the words as they were written. I wasn't just telling someone's story, I was telling my own. I was feeling my own experience for the first time in my life!
     While the feelings and flashbacks I experienced when writing were intense, and involved a lot of tears and deep sobbing at times, the fears I had of being overcome by them were unnecessary. The emotions I was feeling were relieving, thought provoking emotions that could even feel exhilarating at times. Sometimes I found myself crying and laughing all at the same time, for how good it felt to get that stuff out! No words can ever describe what that truly felt like for me. I was finally coming to terms with what happened to the little girl inside of me, with what happened to ME! For the first time in my healing journey, I started to feel an integration occur between myself and that little girl that I had separated myself from so many years ago. I was finally beginning to see her for all that she was, all that she went through and felt, and in turn, I started to see myself in a whole new light. I started to see myself as whole!
     Surprisingly, feeling whole did not offer the sense of peace and contentment that I had hoped it would bring to my life. In many ways, it has made things more challenging for me. Having lived in survival mode all of my life, a state I was very familiar and comfortable with, I have found it very difficult at times to make the transition to thriving mode, a state of being happy with myself, and living my life for me. It seems whenever things appear to be going good for me, I make decisions that sabotage that peace in my life, and create chaos. This has been an issue all my life, and it is the challenge I wish most to overcome. It is very easy to fall into old patterns of thought and behaviour when traveling in unfamiliar territory, and indeed, over the last few years since I felt that integration occur, I have taken many steps backward, even as I move forward. However, another important lesson I have learned along this journey, is that as long as I keep making at least one more step forward than I made backward, I am winning!

     Journal entry, March 26, 2002: Thinking that someone raised in trauma can easily fit into a normal and healthy reality, is like thinking someone raised in a healthy, non-traumatic environment, can easily fit into an abusive and traumatic environment. In both cases, their own situations are completely normal for these children, and the other is not. It takes time for a surviver to adjust, sometimes a large part of their lives! Healing is a step by step process, that when forced too quickly, can erase a lot of the work already done, and send the surviver back, sometimes to the beginning. If taken slowly, each step can be learned and re-learned until it becomes a natural part of the persons psychological make-up. It's like learning to play chess. You can know the rules, and the moves of the pieces, but there's no way you're going to win against someone who's played all their lives, until you've played many games and lost. Of course, as you practice and play more, you may get closer to winning. You may even work your way up to "check" as you become more skilled. However, your skill cannot match that of the other player until the work, the practice, the commitment, and the loss of games is at the same level as them. You don't sit down with them the first time playing, and kick their ass just because they taught you the moves, the rules of the game beforehand. It takes time to learn patience, strategy, and love of the game. However, if you want to learn to win, you have to go through the process. The process can be frustrating, and filled with moments of disappointment, but in the end, you get to yell "CHECKMATE", and know that all that hard work was worth it! YOU WON!!!

     I recently went on a cross Canada trip with one of my best girlfriends, and as a result of that experience, I have felt incredible inspiration to work on my forward progress. I know I am in a good healing place in my life right now, because I cannot stop writing, and when I write, I know I am healing my soul! I also believe that it is in sharing our stories that true healing occurs, as it can open the path for others to share their stories, and speaking(writing) ones truth is a very effective healing method. This is why I have decided to start a blog.
     I have absolute faith that I am on the right path. It has brought me so far from where I was 10-15 years ago, and it will take me right to where I need to be. Loving me, and loving life!

    Peace and Love!
    Kristina <3
 
     
   

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